Choke … Gasp! … Cough … WTF???

WHAT. THE. EFF. IS. THIS?!?!?!?

Mankind as we know it officially died today. Thanks, England! Like bad teeth and mayonnaise for french fries weren't bad enough. Now this travesty?

 

A couple things. First of all, the studio is “Make Me Fabulous.” I’ve said a lot of things about how your typical stripper looks and “fabulous” does not even sniff the top 25 adjectives in that repertoire.

 

Not that I’ve been to a lot of strip clubs (ahem). Strictly for blog research, I assure you.

 

Oooooh! Looky here! Shiny!

 

Now, what we were we discussing? Oh, yeah. Not what you think we were…

 

Secondly, this: “the studio advertises pole dancing as ‘sexy, relaxing and invigorating.’” Great googly moogly! Who is the H-E-double-hockey-sticks sees this and is like, “Eff yeah. That’s what I want for my 3-year-old. I”m all about that shit. Lemme cut a check ASAP. Sex up my baby fo’ shizzle.” I mean, how effing stressed out is your toddler? Can’t you just introduce them to smoking like your run-of-the-mill trailer trash?

 

Also, double negatives.

 

Thirdly, this: “…holding their legs in a V-shape while sliding down a pole.” Not only did I just die a little inside, every innocent memory of my childhood was just “unwanted touched” and burned with an unfiltered cigarette.

 

The instructor protests that she is “not a scumbag.” On, no? Ok, I’ll play along, but mayhap you should just start handing out scumbags (psst… that’s slang for “condom”) to your students, cuz, well, if they’re already pole dancing at seven…