My readers from the D or who are sports fans have seen the title of this post and have a pretty good idea what’s coming. Others of you are completely confused (I’m looking at you, hon). Stick with me. You know I’m always happy to spell out whatever convoluted analogy caroms around in my complicated grey matter.

Way back in the days of yore, 1996, when I had not yet graduated to scotch and Gentleman Jack (and since I was not a dad yet, didn’t need too – plus I was broke so I was probably drunk on Natty Ice), Hockeytown’s own Red Wings were squaring off in the Stanley Cup Finals against the hated Colorado Avalanche.

Future Hall of Famer defenseman Paul Coffey, draped in the Winged Wheel, found himself caught between two Avalanche skaters driving toward the Red Wing net, so he flipped the puck to his goaltender. Only problem is, the puck went past his goaltender. The error has forever ensconced Coffey into the hockey blooper Hall of Fame as well.

Folks, I pulled a Paul Coffey last week. I put the puck in my own net, so to speak.

(Tangent: Reader adawg has already twisted the preceding statement into something vile and illegal)

I took the family to Disney World and while we were there both Weirdo and Crazy had appointments at the Bippity Boppity Boutique. That is the place where they take your beautiful, innocent, princess-loving daughters and whore them all up like a Vegas Jon Benet Ramsey look-alike burlesque show.

Now, this is a BIG DEAL to a lot of little girls. Appointments are hard to get and must be made well in advance…kind of like getting a table at the Ivy, but without Leonardo DiCaprio and his pretentious electric car bullshit.

In true Disney fashion, they go to great lengths to make a true atmospheric event. You get an appointment card with Princess Weirdo or Princess Crazy on it. Everyone calls you “princess.” The employees are in Renaissance dress. A photographer takes photos during the appointment and offers (to sell) you a professional photo shoot afterward. You get to pick your hairstyle, color of the weave (yes, your little girl gets a big ol’ hunk of horse hair), the color of their make-up and nail polish. You can even pick out a princess dress, shoes and wand. They end it all by giving you a sash and sprinkling magic dust (a.k.a. glitter, a.k.a. stripper dandruff) over the girls’ heads with a magic wand.

Here is the result:

 bippidyboppityfront

Now, I admit I love Disney. I get caught up in all of it. So I’m right there taking photos. And when the stylist asks me what my girls can get, I quickly tell her they can have whatever they want.

I have gone from overbearing, neurotic overshadower to gross enabler akin to that drunk friend at a kegger telling you that lying on the floor while the guy pounding Kamikaze shots juggles Ginsu knives over you is a great idea (true story!).

Remember that time you got really hammered and took a shit on the engine of someone’s station wagon? No? Just me? Hmmm. Well, humor me. At the time you were kinda caught up in the moment because everyone else was doing it? But when you sobered up you realized what you had done and quickly tried to fix it before more harm was done? (Or not, in the interest of truth)

Yeah, well kinda like that, once we got back to the hotel room and I’m staring at my girls all hussied up, it was quickly bath time where I scrubbed them back to purity.

Well, going back to Paul Coffey, he scored both of the Red Wings’ goals in that fateful game as well. So I didn’t let my “team” down either. You see, the Bippity Boppity Boutique lets the princesses take their make-up home with them. It became my mission to hide the make-up somewhere in that tiny boxy hotel room and, should it be found, bar the door so that none may exit without a proper inspection of lips, eyelids and cheeks.

This was a tad more challenging with Weirdo, as she actually knows how to put on make-up (yay!). Crazy, on the other hand, applies lip gloss to her chin and eye shadow to her forehead, so…kind of a gimme, if you will.

So there you have it. That is why I am the Paul Coffey on parenting.

Hey, didn’t the Wings still lose that game 3-2 in OT despite Coffey redeeming himself by scoring two goals for his team? So, basically, no matter what you do…

Shit.

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