Thanks for reading…

I’m a day late, I know, but if you people aren’t used to me being an erratic (read: lazy) blogger at this point, just wow, get a clue.

So, with that in mind, I do want to step outside of my usual smarmy, sarcastic, cynical self and truly extend my sincerest thanks to everyone who reads, has subscribed to the RSS feed (hint), Dugg It (hint hint) or clicked on a link to select Off The Pole as one of their Technorati favorites (hint hint hint, people! C’mon!).

This has been quite therapeutic for me and I truly enjoy it. I’d blog more, but I really want to make each one entertaining if not interesting instead of slapping some bullshit together to meet deadlines. I don’t have all day to hang out at the Starbucks listening to shitty independent music and feeling superior, ya know.

And now, back to the mockery. Well, technically I started taking shots in the last graph. Sue me.

Here’s some stuff you all missed but I think you will enjoy.

For starters, as promised to loyal reader and commenter Trish, here is the class photo from my elementary school days:

 

Note the finely styled hair, the skinny leather tie and Van Heusen power pinstriped button-down shirt. My, someone was quite the up-and-coming yuppie back in the 80’s, wasn’t he? You should have seen it paired with overcoat and scarf.

Would you believe I went from this phase in my life to one of rap music and breakdancing? I am so effing cool. Probably for the best though. If I’d stayed on the wannabe Alex P. Keaton track? Wow. You think Wall Street is effed up now?

Next up, here are a few ditties from the girls over the past month:

“I never put a bone in my mouth before.” — Weirdo, Halloween 2008

Here’s one that is probably best left alone, but I have issues so I’m going to go there.

So, I’m putting up my Halloween decorations when Weirdo walks up and picks up one the many Styrofoam bones I have scattered around my witch and fogging cauldron. She asks, “Is this new?”

“No,” I reply. “You took a picture with mommy and Crazy last Halloween and you were holding one up to your mouth like you were eating it. Remember?” (Sidebar: Props to her for being a complete ass in what should have been a nice mommy-daughter-daughter Halloween photo last year.)

Puzzled look from Weirdo. “I never put a bone in my mouth before.”

Lord, grant me this one wish: May she repeat that phrase 100 years from now on her death bed.

“Oh, I like wieners.” – Weirdo, circa mid-October

So, our neighbors were on their Honeymoon and we served as cat sitters. If you have been a reader for some time, you know we are big cat people – probably to the extent of real clinical concern – and so we were all too happy to host the adorable little black kitten.

Well, because I’m such a child, one of my favorite games with the kitty was to stretch him out and make him dance around while singing “Do the wiener kitty dance! Just doing the wiener kitty dance!” much to the delight of Weirdo and Crazy.

That’s damn funny. I don’t care who you are. You can’t buy humor like that.

So Weirdo turns to my wife and asks what a wiener is. My wife explains that a wiener is a hot dog.

To which Weirdo says, “Oh, I like wieners.”

Lord, grant me this one wish: May she never repeat that phrase over the next 100 years or I will surely end up on my death bed.

And finally…

Loyal reader and linker to to my blog from her’s (godammit people, take a freaking hint already!!!), Lady Jane Scarlett, sent me the following drawing.

 

Allegedly, this depicts a mom who works at Home Depot and who is selling a snow shovel.

Riiiiiight. Looks to me like she’s selling a hoe (da-dum crash! Thank you. Thank you very much.) Also looks to me like someone’s daddy would have benefitted from my blog.

If only more people were helping me to build awareness…

The world welcomes another daughter to hug…and thus keep off the pole

Big shout out to frequent poster Adawg this morning. He and his wife welcomed a baby girl into the world late last night.

Well Adawg, I know you have been an avid reader and contributor to the Off The Pole blog, but I invite you to now view it as a “How To” manual (or perhaps a “How Not To” manual – not really sure how that’s all going to shake out down the road).

Anywho, while I am extremely happy for you and Mrs. Adawg, I’d really like to address your son. We’ll refer to him as “Big C” for the purpose of this blog.

 

Big C, I know you are not yet 3 years old, but like or not, you are the big brother. And with that title comes a great deal of responsibility.

It is now your life’s duty to defend the honor of your little sister.

If any guy’s gaze lingers on her too long, pimp slap him.

If any guy tries to talk to her, punch him in the face.

If any guy writes her a note…wait, do the kids do that anymore? Eff it. If any guy tries to text or IM her, break his GD fingers until he is ROTFWIA (rolling on the floor wailing in agony). See if that makes him LOL.  Prick.

If any guy gets the audacity to ask her out, burn down his house.

If any guy so much as lays a finger on her, unleash the wrath of Christ upon him and his kin. From you black throne of cold onyx, unleash a shockwave of fury so deliterious, when he opens his maw to beg for mercy, the only thing that escapes is the noxious smoke of his charred soul as he is permanetly unshakled from the mortal plane.

Basically, until you and your father mutally agree upon the eunich to whom your little sister will be betrothed, you are to your sister what the CIA is to the President’s daughter. If you have any questions, your father has all the answers locked up in a cabinet in your home.

 

 

So, like I way saying, welcome to the world, Baby Adawg…and for the love of God – Stay Off the Pole.

Another proud moment in Off the Pole’s brief history.

As per my daily routine, I began my morning by logging into my much heralded provider of eTherapy, better known to you and yours as “Off the Pole,” because I am a “hit whore” and want to see how many views I got the previous day…and believe you me, it’s in the dozens.

Please hold your applause until the end.

The other stat I always check is what search terms most lead viewers to my blog. I am pleased to announce that the top key word erroneously leading people to Off the Pole, yet forever embracing them in a new period of enlightenment, was “Tampax.”

Yes, you read that right. “Tampax,” that bulletproof vest against Mother Nature’s monthly siege, has dethroned stalwart top search term since Day 1, “Apple Bottom Jeans.”

Although my feelings are mixed, I shall follow the lead of our President-elect, Barack Obama, and willingly accept this change, for it indeed is change we can all believe in.

Yes, we can.

(Applause may resume now, preferably with one person slowly clapping, followed steadily by more and more people as their revelry builds into a powerful crescendo.)