So, it’s apparent that, as a parent (see what I did there?), I’m not dealing with the whole some-day-my-daughters-will-be-dating thing, as that means I will be spending a long time on step 8 of AA’s suggestion of 12. But my psychosis is such that my propensity to do the downright idiotic in order to prevent the inevitable knows no bounds. I lay bare for you the following (insert naked picture of self here).

Crazy has a bedroom door that squeaks. Not a little one either. It’s the kind of squeak that a booby bimbo in a slasher flick hears moments before a door slams shut, held tight by some paranormal force, as she is eviscerated by a clown or ghoul or random assneck with mommy issues.

I mean, this sucker squeaks.

Here’s the problem: Come bedtime, when you finally get Crazy to close her eyes and you attempt to sneak out of the room, like some Babysitters Club version of the Delta Force, the moment you start to close the door, it squeaks and wakes Crazy.

“Daddy?”

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Here’s the bigger problem: It would take 3 seconds and two shots of WD-40 to banish that cursed squeak, but I won’t do it.

And why? Because I’ve already fast forwarded to Crazy’s teen years, and I know when (“when,” not “if.” Note my distinct lack of trust and optimism) she tries to sneak in and out at night to meet a boy, she’ll trip that alarm and I will spring into action to choke some little bastard out.

You know, or tell him it’s really late and maybe he could come back tomorrow.

Or hurl an empty bottle of Chivas at him.

It really all depends on my blood alcohol level at the moment.

This is really how stupid it has gotten. I literally have figured out what angle to lift and amount of pressure to put on the door as I swing it closed to prevent it from squeaking. It’s that bad.

And you know what’s even stupider? Beside the word “stupider?” As if it’s completely unfathomable that Crazy would figure out that real complex Mind Bender herself.

Screw it. I sprayed the damn door. No more squeak, but I got my eye on pilfering the spike strip at the Enterprise rental lot.

I freakin’ dare her to sneak out once that is installed.

(But she can just step over it, dumbass!)

It only 2008. They’ll have laser containment fields by then. I will it to be so.