I’ve pretty much always been a jackass. I can look at photos of myself from about age 5 where everyone is in their Easter finery looking classy, and then there’s the toe-headed twit in front emulating a way-too-happy mannequin.

Sarcasm comes quickly to me. So much in fact that at times I have trouble answering a question straight without making a smart-ass remark first. There’s also my good friend Cynicism, but before I go all ADD on this blog, let’s focus on the meat and potatoes of my personality faults.

I remember one day doing an impromptu, stream of consciousness writing exercise about what we want out of life. My last entry went something like this: “And I hope my kids are more sarcastic than me so that they can irritate my wife…and I can laugh.”

Mind you. I had not even met said wife at this time. I was a swingin’ (not quite literally but then again not exactly figuratively…more on that later) single 20-year-old college student living in the dorms. After a string of bad relationships (cheaters and psychos and bitches, oh my!), I had pretty much sworn off women. Finding myself in a very dark place emotionally, let’s just say prolonged courtship of the lasses was not on any syllabus that semester.

Long story short, I met my wife, got my personal “thing” straightened out, and eventually got married. Naturally when the conversation turned to offspring, beyond the primal urges as a man to extend my lineage, I remember being seized with a sudden pang of panic: What if I had a daughter? And what if she meets a guy like me?

Fast forward seven years from then and I find myself the father of not one but two beautiful little girls. The eldest, who we shall refer to as Weirdo, is a complete ass, and she knows exactly how to push my buttons. The youngest, a.k.a. Crazy, is well, I think it’s pretty self-explanatory. She’s too young to know precisely how to accelerate my hair loss, however. Thank God Weirdo is there to teach her the way. I believe “Karma” is the word we are looking for.

So, folks, that’s we are. One smart-ass father with a history of questionable morals with two wise-ass kids. My job? To be there for them. To teach them to avoid guys like me. And, as Chris Rock said, to keep them off the pole. If I do that, I will have done my job as a father.

Let the adventures begin. Won’t you join me on this journey?